[TamilNet, Monday, 27 September 2010, 01:20 GMT]
The United States of America, acting as self-appointed guardian of world democracy, issued a statement lamenting the passing of the 18th Amendment in the Sinhaloid parliament, stating that it ‘weakens checks and balances and undermines the principles of constitutional democracy.’ History shows that the United States is in a perfectly good position to mourn the totally unexaggerated demise of democracy in Sri Lanka.
TamilNet is pleased to take you on a special journey through the highlights of America’s loving relationship with that fair maiden democracy.
Haiti
Our story begins in 1804, when Haiti declared independence from France and became the first free black republic in the world, and in fact the only nation to be born out of a slave revolt. Disgusting, n’est-ce pas? Needless to say, the democracy-hugging Americans resolutely refused to tolerate such impetuosity from mere black people and refused to recognize Haiti as an independent country until 1862, under Abraham Lincoln’s presidency and the midst of the American civil war.
The Philippines
In June 1898, the Philippine Revolution kicked out the Spanish colonials from their lands. However, their former Spanish overlords took no notice of this minor hiccup and agreed to hand over ownership of the Philippines to the Unites States in December of that year, because, you know, little yellow Asian people were rightly considered mere possessions that could be exchanged like gifts by the genetically superior Association of White Masters. When the Philippine government refused to recognize the American yoke, the outraged USA most righteously invaded the Philippines, killed approximately a million Filipinos, committed no war crimes whatsoever and colonized the islands. The Philippines would remain an American territory until 1946. This was how America safeguarded democracy in the Philippines. Several other Pacific Islands such as Guam, Puerto Rico and others remain American colonies territories to this day.
After the Second World War, the USA would embark on a sacred mission to spread democracy to as much of the world as possible.
Korea
After World War 2, the Allies divided Korea into Communist-controlled North Korea and American-controlled South Korea. Tension between the two happy neighbours escalated into full blown war in 1950. After 3 years of see-sawing fortunes, an armistice was signed in 1953 which stands to this day (in other words, the Korean War has never officially ended). The evil spectre of communism was kept at bay from South Korea but the pristine democracy never made it to the north either.
North Korea has since gone on a massive military drive to keep democracy at bay, acquiring nuclear weapons to boot and alarming Uncle Sam considerably. We will just have to Wait And See™ as to how this will all end.
Iran
Filled with unconditional love for Iranian democracy, the United States carried out Operation Ajax in 1953, where the democratically elected civilian government of Iran was overthrown in a coup and replaced by a pro-American monarchy headed by a Shah who very democratically held no elections whatsoever.
However, those ungrateful Iranians did not seem to like this American flavor of democracy and launched a coup of their own. The 1979 Islamic Revolution kicked out the Shah and established a republic. The good folks at the USA were not impressed. Diplomatic ties with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been severed because Iranian democracy is just not good enough and Uncle Sam is taking special affront at their nuclear program. They fear that Iran could develop nuclear weapons, which is very well-founded indeed because only the Association of White Masters has the divine right to possess nukes. Just to show how much the Americans disliked the Iranian version of democracy, the White House supported Saddam Hussein in the Iran-Iraq war. We shall discuss this in more detail later on.
Cuba
The little brown people of Cuba have always held a special place in Uncle Sam’s heart, especially since Fidel Castro seized power in a coup in 1959. The revolution killed Cuban democracy, making Uncle Sam wring his hands in great distress. John F. Kennedy attempted to restore democracy in a very peaceful manner by way of the Bay of Pigs invasion, which of course was a total success. In fact, it was so successful that Kennedy’s head unfortunately exploded while he was excitedly telling the people of Dallas just how great it was.
Fidel continues to give the finger to democracy and the USA never forgave him for this. Relations between the two countries remain strained to this day, presumably until the USA lovingly restores democracy in Cuba, like they did in Grenada, Nicaragua and a few other Latin American nations in the neighborhood.
Vietnam
Back in the good old days of the Cold War, Vietnam was divided into North and South Vietnam just like Korea. North Vietnam was a dark, dreary communist country while South Vietnam enjoyed American democracy and was therefore a land of milk and honey where the sun always shone. The USA thought that it would be a swell idea if democracy was introduced to North Vietnam, and so jumped headlong into the conflict that was already raging there.
America’s most noble quest to bring democracy to North Vietnam resulted in more than one million dead. They famously carried out massacres of civilians, including instances where entire villages were burnt to the ground. They had no qualms using chemical weapons like Agent Orange in their quest for democracy wither. Agent Orange still affects Vietnam to this day, spreading the benefits of American democracy long after US soldiers have left. Again, this was not a war crime because our supreme American white masters can commit no such thing in their glorious fight for democracy. America’s war in Vietnam has gone down in history as one of their greatest military triumphs.
Yugoslavia
Clearly dissatisfied with Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic’s conveniently timed slaughter of Albanians, the USA led a NATO attack on Yugoslavia in order to spread democracy in the Balkans. The Association of White Masters brought democracy to the streets of Belgrade by reducing it to rubble, hastened the splitting up of Yugoslavia into disparate independent countries and, most importantly of all, gave Serbia’s ethnic Albanians a separate state.
This state was in Kosovo, which just happened to be the cultural and religious heartland of the Serbs, but Uncle Sam does not mind that as long as proper democracy was introduced there. We Thamizh have a very special relationship with Kosovo and aspire to be like them for obvious reasons.
Iraq
America’s relationship with Iraq has had its ups and downs. Uncle Sam supported the highly democratic Saddam Hussein during Iran-Iraq war but was then forced to kindly remind Saddam of the values of democracy after he invaded Kuwait in 1990 and seized oil fields vital to America.
In February 2003, the then Secretary of State Colin Powell showed the UN a very nice series of cartoons, alleging they were of WMD developments run by Saddam Hussein and proof that democracy urgently needed to be brought to Iraq. America then led the Association of White Masters in a 100% legal, UN-approved invasion of Iraq, called Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL).
While Uncle Sam’s erstwhile ally Saddam was ousted, tackling the following insurgency was as successful for America as the Vietnam War. President Obama withdrew all his combat troops from Iraq just a few weeks ago, concluding the totally successful operation. America’s gracious mission to bring democracy to Iraq resulted in over a million deaths, with the body count still rising every day. Mission totally accomplished 200%, folks!
Afghanistan
Similar to Iraq, Uncle Sam has had a love-hate relationship with Afghanistan. They happily provided the Taliban with weapons to fight off the Russians in the 80’s and tolerated the Taliban’s enlightened and very democratic rule over Afghanistan afterwards. But things sadly hit rock bottom after September 11 2001. It is widely believed that Osama bin Laden was the other man that soured this happy relationship.
The USA invaded Afghanistan in October 2001 and kicked the Taliban goatherds out of power, only to run into a guerilla insurgency which continues up to the present day. This complex insurgency has spilled over Afghanistan’s borders into Iraq and Pakistan, leaving Uncle Sam’s invincible© military in a fine mess in that part of the world. Again, mission totally accomplished!
Sri Lanka
Oh ho ho! Yes, even Sri Lanka’s totally flawed democracy is in the USA’s sights! The USA has had a rather long history with Sri Lanka, but we shall pick things up from 2000 when George Bush was elected to the White House on the Republican ticket.
After September 11 2001, things took a turn for the worse between We Thamizh and our American white masters. The Republican Party never really liked us much and when the ceasefire between the Sinhaloids and the invincible© LTTE broke down after the Sinhala Overlord Mahinda Rajapakse was elected, George Bush became very sneaky indeed! He authorized sales of modern weaponry to the Sinhaloid armed forces, including high tech toys for the Sri Lanka Air Force such as UAV’s, bunker buster bombs and the latest radars (mostly sent via Israel to keep things hush hush). It was one of those bunker busters that sadly sent our peace dove Thamilselvan anna to Eelam in the sky *sniff sniff*
However, US-Eelam relations improved considerably after our half-black half-white master Barack Obama from the Democratic Party was elected president in 2008. He and white madam Hillary Clinton tried their level best to ask the Association of White Masters to get the GENOCIDAL™ Sinhaloids to stop their war but the evil Sinhala Overlord politely told them all to get lost. Infuriated at such impudence from a mere Sinhaloid, the CIA lured a Green Card at Sarath Fonseka and got him to contest the 2010 presidential election in order to restore democracy in Sri Lanka in the way Uncle Sam wanted. As everyone knows, Fonseka’s campaign was a total success. He is still seen as the Right Honorable2 Facebook President of Sri Lanka MP despite certain minor setbacks.
Epilogue
We at TamilNet hope that our totally smart readers learnt a thing or three about America’s genuine love for democracy with this article. Though the USA has barely won a single war it has entered into since World War 2, wherever democracy is under threat we can trust Uncle Sam to fix it!
As Henry Kissinger said about his country’s own military, “Soldiers are just dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns of foreign policy.”
A special report by Elara®