[TamilNet, Monday, 01 December 2008, 01:00 GMT]
Article by Volunteer Correspondent Pottu Amman
Club Rectum (aka Tamil Eelam Gaming Commission) is proud to introduce "Save Killinochchi" the ultimate gaming experience for all Tamil Eelam game lovers.
"Save Killinochchi" is a turn-based strategy game played on a big map, with single-player campaigns as well as multi-player matches. A central philosophy in the design of the game is the THALAVAR-WINS principle; where no matter how hard you play, Thalivar will always win as it should rightly be.
Each unit has its own strengths and weaknesses. A unit’s defense is based on the type of terrain it stands on, making terrain and placement of units very important. For instance, a Suicide Bomber will have more strength on a fully crowded bus than inside a tri-shaw.
Different types of attacks (melee and ranged), weapon types (vagina bombs, claymores, hatchets, T56 rifles, Tamil Nadu Pressure, NGOs and CFA, etc…),and a day-night cycle that alternately favors lawful and chaotic units, add to the strategy. Throughout the campaigns, units can advance to higher level counterparts and become more powerful. Part of the fun is developing a personalized army of advanced units as a campaign progresses.
UNITS
Cannon Fodder - This is a highly skilled infantry trooper whose only purpose is to take all shrapnel up front. However, each fallen warrior will automatically be transformed into a civilian and can be used for propaganda points.
Camera Man - This is a close quarter support unit of Cannon Fodder. When Cannon Fodder eats shrapnel, Camera Man will take photos of the dead colleague for propaganda purposes.
Cannon Fodder and Camera Man complement one another and is usually deployed together in any battle formation to achieve maximum unit efficiency.
Pink Tiger - Unlike Cannon Fodder who takes it up front, Pink Tiger is the exact opposite and takes everything from the back and is usually deployed in the Thalaivar Bunker at night time; which is actually a 24-hour job because under a 40 foot deep bunker, light hardly penetrates.
However, there is hardly any need for light, because the Great "Sun" God is holed up here and he ‘penetrates’ the pink tigers regularly. Due to this penetration process and through experience the Pink Tiger’s rectal cavity space is increased, making it an ideal candidate for Suicide Bomber upgrade.
Suicide Bomber - This is a brain washed unit with a big claymore up his or her ass. Hence a big rectal cavity is needed and is usually upgraded from the Pink Tiger unit. Lack of Sun light, the sheer number of penetrations and the spacious rectal cavity makes this unit a dedicated human bomb and can be deployed to target bus loads of innocent civilians at any time.
TAF Strategic Road Bomber - TAF SRB is a new add-on air unit to game play and is only used for sightseeing purposes and if and when needed to bomb roads. Camera Man is deployed with this unit to achieve maximum damage efficiency.
SPECIAL WEAPONS
Cease Fire Agreement - CFA can be deployed if you feel you are going to get a royal ass whipping by the genocidal Sinhalese horde. This is a very devastating weapon and can basically give you free hit points.
However, over use of this weapon will enable the enemy to deploy the ‘LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS FIRST, BITCH’ weapon which will effectively negate this weapons maximum yield.
Tamil Nadu Pressure - TNP can only be deployed after the butt hair plucking season of fisting enthusiast M. Karunanidhi which is normally around the months of August to December. When his ass is ripe and smooth, you can deploy this weapon with great accuracy and damage. The optimal time to deploy this weapon is when elections in Tamil Nadu are just around the corner.
NGOs and Peace Merchants - Another devastating weapon system which if properly used can crumble the image of your opponent and bring him to his knees enabling you to easily Ready to Penetrate (R2P) him from the back.
CAMPAIGNS
Abduction – This is where it all begins. Your task is to abduct as many innocent children as possible from Homes, Schools, Tuition Classes, Kovils, etc… In the process you can kill or maim their parents, guardians or any other foreseeable obstruction including the holy cow in the kovil. Remember that it is illegal to abduct children more than 75 years old.
Bunker Rat - In this campaign, you play the role of a trainee child soldier to become either Cannon Fodder, Suicide Bombers, Pink Tigers..etc. Your favorite and only weapon will be a broom. In the process, you need to upgrade skill level to either Cannon Fodder or Suicide Bomber. If you are good with your ass, mouth, hand combination you can also upgrade yourself to a Pink Tiger. Remember!!! It is of utmost importance that you immediately upgrade your unit as soon as possible. Otherwise, your character will end up as another Sencholai.
The Marathon - This is a unique campaign set in the dusty godforsaken land of Eastern Sri Lanka. Your role as a terrorist is the run like a coward, popular known among gaming fans as the ‘tactical retreat®’. Starting from the East; Trincomalee, Muttur, Sampoor, Ampara, Batticaloa, Thoppigala to the North from Vidduthalavui, Nachchikuda, Devil’s Point, Poonaryn to Mullaithivu. The challenge is not to resist the Sinhalese horde, but to get your ass to Mullaithivu in record time. If you resist the horde, you run the risk of getting listed as another statistic in the pro-GOSL homophobic genocidal™ site www.defence.lk.
Blow Me - This is a campaign for the novice game fans. You play a role of a suicide bomber with an ass full of C4. Your mission is to find a crowded bus full of evil Sinhalese civilians who might be armed with pens, pencils, school bags and or office stuff. Once inside the bus, just press the FIRE button and you have accomplished your mission.
Blow Thalivar - This mission will be available only after you verify your age for it contains lot of adult material. (By the way, blowing people to smithereens is by no way adult content. Hence previous campaigns have no such parental controls.) Your challenge is to find the Great Thalivar’s small cock in the dark and make it erect by giving head.
We hope all Eelam Game Lovers will flock to the nearest retail shop to get their very own copy of this fabulous game*.
*100% Thalivar Tax, 50% War Tax and 10% Administrative Tax is applicable as in any Tamil Eelam services and products.