[TamilNet, Sunday, 24 August 2008, 05:40 GMT]
It is with great pride that we report to our super smart readers that the Tamil Eelam Olympic Committee (TEOC) has made a formal bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games in our great nation. LTTE Spokesmen Irasiah Ilanthirayan rang up TamilNet to give us the good news using a sophisticated communication system to replace the telephones which were banned in Tamil Eelam when the GoSL committed TELEPHONE GENOCIDE™.
‘Yes, Thalaivar has sent our application for the 2016 Games to the International Olympic Committee for review. By that time we will have destroyed the Sinhaloid army and Tamil Eelam will be the greatest nation on Earth and we will be fully prepared to host such a great event. Instead of having it in just one city, we plan to conduct the Games throughout several locations in Tamil Eelam, showcasing our entire nation to the world in all her glory’, Irasiah told us.
The mascot for the Tamil Eelam Games is Puli the tiger. Puli is shown acrobatically trying to escape a lion’s clutches as the racist creature attempts to violate it up the backside. This image was chosen by the TEOC because it accurately resembles the situation in the field, where our courageous cadres run the marathon every day to avoid being screwed by the racist homophobic Sinhaloids and make them think that they’re defeating us when they actually are not.
Tamil Eelam has a whole range of attributes which makes us a viable venue for the greatest sporting extravaganza on the planet.
Democracy and Human Rights
The TEOC is very encouraged by the fact that a country like China was chosen to host this year’s Olympics. We note with approval that the self-appointed government of the curiously named “People’s Republic” of China shares our distaste for democracy. After all, democracy is for weakling’s like that treacherous low-caste Eastern Tamil turncoat Karuna. China’s stance on human rights is also very similar to Tamil Eelam’s, where even the slightest whiff of disloyalty to the totally beloved leadership is rightly crushed by tanks and unidentified young gunmen on motorbikes.
China also has reputable links with the saintly governments of Sudan and Burma Myanmar, just like we at the LTTE have long established friendly relations with Al-Qaeda, the Taliban and other non-violent, non-fanatical freedom fighters. China also has a commendable social hierarchy where the genetically superior Han Chinese hold sway over the other 56 useless ethnicities of that country.
This is wonderfully in keeping with Tamil Eelam’s caste system where we ultra-high class Jaffna Tamils are worshipped by our filthy low-caste Nadu and Eastern Tamil slaves. In a final indication of the similarities between the Chinese government and the LTTE, China is firmly convinced that Tibet belongs to the majority Han Chinese while the LTTE also believe that the north-eastern part of Ilankai solely belongs to We Tamils. We congratulate China on a fantastic Olympics, where not even one proper protest took place (even though they were officially allowed) and would also like to thank them for the support they provide us.
Tamil Eelam’s Proud Sporting Traditions
We Tamils were undoubtedly the first citizens of Ilankai (in fact, even the first Neanderthal was actually a Tamil). When the Sinhaloids invaded us and began their GENOCIDE™, our ancestors were compelled to take to their feet to avoid being GENOCIDED™. It was the same story when all those Indian Tamil armies tried to teach those Sinhaloid kings a lesson over the centuries: we just couldn’t stop running away from them and making them chase us until they dropped down exhausted.
Thus the legendary Tamil Eelam marathon was born. It is a proud athletic tradition we practise to this very day. Indeed, some of our cadres from the east are still running today in preparation for the Olympics, and more and more cadres keep joining in from the northern front as we speak.
We Tamils are also unmatched at shooting. Tamil Eelam has produced countless champion shooters who are adept at missing their targets by miles. This skill can be attributed to our training regime where each totally non-conscripted cadre practises shooting with a stick, shouting ‘Dol dol dol’ instead of wasting expensive bullets. Tamil Eelam also has many a superb swimmer, each of whom has honed their skills by swimming up and down the Palk Strait for 100% legitimate activities such as gun-running, people-smuggling and drug-trafficking.
Olympic Sporting Facilities and Events
Tamil Eelam’s future capital of Jaffna boasts of several world class sporting facilities. Take the Jaffna Sports Stadium, for instance.
That fine venue will play host to the track-and-field events.
We also have a great many naturally occurring swimming pools all over Eelam for the short distance swim events. The long distance swimming competition will take place in the Palk Strait, where the first contestant to make it to Tamil Nadu (Greater Eelam) without being blown to pieces by the Sinhaloid Navy wins gold.
The lush jungles of our homeland will host the mine-dodging contest. Of course, the flagship event will be the marathon. This marathon will be unique to other marathons elsewhere in the world because at the Tamil Eelam Olympics, the athletes will sprint all the way from Sampur to Killinochchi to pay homage to the LTTE cadres who accomplished the same feat of endurance not that long ago. Grenade throwing is also in the itinerary, as are the other regular events.
This will also be the first Olympics where Quidick is played, along with other games from Thalaivar’s school days like Hide the Salami, Find the Soap, Up Yours and Pat the Goat the Right Way.
The athletes will reside in Killinochchi for the duration of the Games, an easy Takaran Air Force flight away from all Olympic venues throughout Eelam. Killinochchi is home to several 5-star hotels and underground bunkers which will make for a superb Olympic Village. Athletes can recharge at the end of a hard day’s competition with a refreshing dollop of cyanide,
washed down by a glass of Eelam’s national drink, Thalaivar juice (sports edition).
Tamil Eelam, being the host nation, is obviously expected to win ALL of the medals on offer. Given our recent successes in sprinting, swimming and other sports, it is expected that the records of Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps will be broken over and over again by We Tamil athletes. (As a sidenote, we must mention that both Bolt and Phelps are also Tamils because only We Tamils are so good at sports). Naturally, every medal won will go to the great Sun God Thalaivar.
Here’s to a successful bid and a great Tamil Eelam Olympics! NEVER underestimate Tamil ingenuity!