[TamilNet, Wednesday, 13 August 2008, 01:00 GMT]
TamilNet salutes the passing of yet another LTTE Hero: Kandiah Balasekaran, or as we all knew him as Colonel Blaraj, CODENAME: “THE CLEANER”. Now posthumously awarded the Brigadier Title by Thalaivar himself.
His Beginnings
Kandiah Balasekaran, better known as Brigadier Balraj, like all Hero Freedom Fighters of the LTTE came from humble beginnings. He was born in 1964 in the coastal area of Kokuthoduwaai in Mullaitheevu district. He was one of the few top tigers born in the Northern mainland region known as the Wanni. Most tiger leaders now in the Wanni were born outside the Wanni. As a former member of PLOTE, after the Tamilistinian Holocaust of 1983 he quickly realized that the True SOLE REPRESENTATIVES® of the Tamil People were the LTTE and not that phony organization now led by that Pencil-Mustachioed, GoSL Arselicking, notorious John Waters impersonator: Veerasingham Anandasangaree.
Rise to Prominence
Upon joining the LTTE he quickly rose to prominence. Recognized as a Rising Star of Eelam by Thalaivar’s then Deputy ‘Mahathaya’ (who later got rightfully Executed by Thalaivar for trying to be too big for his boots). HE had an intimate knowledge of the sewers and tunnels of Eelam as he had spent his whole life there. It was Mahathaya who initially trained and groom the young Balraj, but it was obviously Thalaivar who made him the leader he was today, as Thalaivar lives through all Tamil Eelamians through mind and spirit.
The Great Toilet Crisis of Eelam
Although he had won many battles for the LTTE in the many years he served, His true calling came when the Great Toilet Crisis of Eelam occurred in 1996. The SL Airforce had committed TOILET GENOCIDE™ on the Eelamese People after they just bombed the Killinochchi Main Sewer system causing all the Toilets of Eelam to Burst and overflow.
Balraj without waiting for direction or orders led a team of Crack Commando LTTE Plumbers across the Feces-soaked landscape of the Wanni Swamp lands to the heart of the Leaking Sewer plant and restored the blocks and replaced the fecal matter back into their silos. Like a true Eelamizoid person, his instinct for Toilet Repair guided him through the task while being aided spiritually by Thalaivar our Great Sun God.
GoSL Spankings
Unlike the good old days of the Victories of Operation Elephant Pass, Operation Unceasing Waves, and Operation Infinite Toilet Freedom, the LTTE were no longer beginning to win in the manner they use to do. Even though now the LTTE is still winning, and Eelam is still right around the Corner, the SL Army under the direction of a New more Ruthless Homophobic General Sarath Fonseka.
Heart Problems
It is speculated that from these severe Spankings that the GoSL armed Forces and the Sinhala Army commander have given to the LTTE that Brigadier Balraj had begun to develop a Heart Condition. He was a soft Mild mannered man who was always a hopeless romantic for Thalaivar. But the ugly nature of war had taken its toll on him. Seeing his men get Spanked repeatedly then also having to endure such heart ache defeats at the hands of the Sinhalese had left him with quite a Heart Condition. As there were no medicines available in the Wanni, except for those looted from the Killinochchi Hospital, he had to make do with Thalaivar Juice to keep his condition under control.
Heart Ache
However due to complications of unknown origin, the Thalaivar Juice was not doing the trick, and to make matters worse the High Caffeine content of the Thalaivar Juice would also aggravate Brigadier Balraj’s weak heart further. He suffered from several Heart Attacks since then. Unable to have Open Heart Surgery, since his chest had been damaged in combat several times, and could not stand the trauma of Open Heart Surgery Brigadier Balraj was heading for certain demise until….
During the CFA, fortune smiled on Balraj as he was able to fly to Singapore and have an Experimental procedure performed using cutting edge Cardio-Rectal Technology (CTR) where a New heart was inserted via his anus, using a minimally invasive modified Fisting Technique that Singaporean Doctors had perfected over hundreds of years of observations at Thai Homosexual Brothels.
Have a Heart
Unfortunately for Brigadier Balraj, the new heart was not functioning as hoped. Though he tested it successfully in Thailand during the CFA, where he and Brigadier S.P. Thamilchelvan tested his new heart out engaging in al lot of Oooh La-La with the Thai Hookers of Pat Pong. He found that when he returned to the Wanni the heart did not hold up as he had expected. It seems that Eelam’s extremely Humid climate was not good for his Singapore Manufactured Artificial Heart.
No, Seriously!,… Does anyone have a Spare Heart?
Kandiah Balasekaran alias “Brigadier Balraj” the Deputy military chief of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) died of a heart attack at Puthukkudiyiruppu in the Mullaitheevu district on May 20th. He was 43 years old. His artificial Experimental Transplant Heart has been removed (rectally) and placed in the LTTE War Museum in Killinochchi next to Lt. Col. Thileepan’s Brush.
“A man who I could rely on for candid Opinions of the war,.. If I wanted his opinion, I need only pick up my phone and tell him what it was…He also enjoyed my ‘Juice’ like no other LTTE leader I know”
-Hon. Vellupillai Pirapaharan.