[TamilNet, Friday, 20 June 2008, 01:00 GMT]
TamilNet Background: Potta Velu and the Philosopher’s Left Nut
PROLOGUE
Contrary to defamatory reports in the racist homophobic pro-GoSL media, the great Thalaivar is actually a very well-educated individual (by Tamil Eelam standards anyhow). He was a star student at the Shri Ellalan Vidyalayam, which was a school for ‘gifted’ (ie, special needs) students in Jaffna. (As a sidenote, this school is sadly no longer in existence because it was burned down by rabid Sinhaloid thugs during Black July, which showcases their callous disregard for retarded Tamil children).
The ‘Potta Velu’ series recounts Thalaivar’s education at this noble institution. It is Tamilnet’s pleasure to convey to you the legendary saga of how the great V. Prabhakaran was moulded into the man he is today.
Early Years
As a young kid, Thalaivar had a happy early childhood with his family. There were constant walks to the beach where he and his siblings would earn their pocket-money by bending over to all those sexy white tourists (tourism was a major industry in the north-east before the racist GoSL unleashed their violent genocidal campaign against the Eelamistani people).
One day, he received a Jumbo DHL package from a particular German anna named Günter. It turned out to be from his long dead uncle Mottapan, who had been murdered by a particularly nasty GoSL agent Who Cannot Be Named. This uncle Mottapan had a very important message for our young Velu. He had been selected to join the newest batch of students at the prestigious Shri Ellalan Vidyalayam on account of his prize-winning incompetence at normal day-to-day activities (such as tying a shoelace, for example).
It was a mystery as to how a sexy German tourist got his hands on Velu’s little package (pardon the pun) but Günter was kind enough to have given it to the young man in return for a quick one up the backside. He explained to the boy that since he was really really dumb, the future leader of the Free Republic of Tamil Eelam had to begin Grade One at the ripe old age of 8. However, this wasn’t the last Velu would see of the benevolent Gunter
School life
So the young Sun God went to Shri Ellalan Vidyalayam on a white bullock cart. At school, the young man acquired the nickname of ‘Potta Velu’ due to his over-sized glasses. He was a short-sighted little fellow back then. It is suspected that his eye problems were caused by his early childhood ‘activities’ at the beach; staring at all that hairy white ass for prolonged periods of time can take its toll, after all. It was at school that Potta Velu would meet Suppar Paramu Tamilselvan and Anton Balasingham.
Tamilselvan’s father was a barber and it was his wish to follow in his dad’s footsteps. He had a chronic inability to stop smiling and had to seek an orthodontist’s help more than once because he would often get his teeth bashed in by bullies who couldn’t tolerate that retarded grin any more. Bala was the more intellectual type, excelling in addition and subtraction, though he would have difficulties with division and multiplication for all his life. He had a serious drinking problem, a noble Tamil Eelam trait inherited from his father. They also made good friends with the school’s caretaker, Rubeum Hagridnam, a giant of a man who hadn’t shaved in at least 2 decades and three-quarters.
Shri Ellalan had 4 houses: Gryffindoram, Slytheram, Hufflepuffam and Ravenclawam. Velu and his two friends were all put into Gryffindoram, much to their delight. A certain boy called Shanmugalingam Sivashankar and another boy called Soosai , was selected to Slytheram house. Velu and his friends did not like Sivashankar much because he insisted on being called Pottu Amman and was a bit of a bully. Sometimes he would even physically attack poor little Tamilselvan. Bala and Selvan also noticed that Pottu Amman had a kind of hypnotic effect on Velu where he could get the young Sun God to do anything he wanted.
Also Velu and his friends did not like Soosai much because he would spend his spare time trying to build boats instead of finding gerbils for their ‘play-time’. It is a well-documented fact that Velu once told Tamilselvan and Anton, ‘If he goes on like this I’ll blow up his boat one of these days’.
Something very mysterious is going on here
At the age of 8, our young hero made history by being the youngest to gain selection for his house in the game of Quidick. Quidick was a team sport that involved various enjoyable disciplines like ‘Hide the Salami’, ‘Find the Soap’, ‘Up Yours’ and other fun activities occasionally involving the schoolyard animals, such as ‘Pat the goat the right way’. Velu proved himself to be an expert in the role of Grabber, a self-explanatory title.
During his first Quidick match, it was apparent that Velu was distracted by something in the crowd. Bala was quick to notice one of their teachers, Professor Severam Snaapalingam, hiding in a corner and jacking off to a gay magazine in full view of Velu. Surely, how could any red-blooded son of Eelam not be distracted by such a sight? Bala was quick to acquire a nearby fire extinguisher and fire it at Snaapalingam’s manhood, much to the erudite professor’s annoyance. This timely intervention by Bala ensured Velu played out the rest of the game free of distractions and their house ended up winning the match!
One night, while walking to his room after a late visit to a friend’s dorm (wink wink), Velu overheard Professor Snaapalingam threatening Professor Quirrunathan. ‘Do not mess with me, you little bitchc*nt!’ growled Snaapalingam to a trembling Quirrunathan. ‘The Philosopher’s Left Nut is mine!’
The next day, a curious Velu ran to the Jaffna Library to do some research on this mysterious Left Nut. He was intrigued to discover that it was a one-of-a-kind lingam, resembling a testicle, which miraculously fell from the heavens one day. Devotees were convinced that if eaten, the lingam would offer unlimited sexual stamina and potency! No wonder those two professors were both looking for it! He quickly told his friends, Bala and Selvan, about it.
They came to the conclusion that Professor Snaapalingam was a GoSL mole who wanted to steal the Philosopher’s Left Nut for the disgustingly non-gay GoSL to waste on their women! Ugh, perish the thought! They decided that the best thing to do was to find the Left Nut and share it among themselves. Their heads spun when they thought about all the sleepless nights they could enjoy in each other’s company! They innocently asked Hagridnam what he knew about the Left Nut and he said that it was in the school basement, the entrance of which was guarded by a freakish Ger
man Shepherd with two heads, named
Finding the Nut
The very next day, the school’s headmaster, Professor Albushanthan Dumbledoram, was summoned to Colombo by the Ministry of Education. Velu and his friends were convinced that it was just a ploy by the racist homophobic GoSL to lure the Professor away from the school while the Philosopher’s Left Nut was stolen. They decided to act! Off they ran to the basement door.
To counter Pussy, the three of them took off their pants and showed their tiny little cocks to the dog, which promptly turned tail and ran off yelping. ‘Pussy by name, pussy by nature’, chuckled Selvan with his trademark grin as they put their pants back on. Naturally, the urge to have yet another grand old threesome in that state of partial undress was huge but they resisted it with some difficulty as they had a job to do. Down they went to the basement, only to discover that more challenges lay between them and the Philosopher’s Left Nut.
Their first challenge was to get through an army of extremely old former students of the school who had apparently lain in wait there for years protecting the Nut. The dashing young Bala had no problem literally bumping the old buggers away with his still-growing arrack gut. The next hurdle was to solve a chemistry puzzle. If they used the wrong combination of chemicals, it would have caused a gigantic explosion. However, Tamilselvan’s blinding smile set off a chain reaction in the chemicals that destroyed the test tubes they were stored in, spilling their contents to the ground. After the heroics of his two friends, only Velu had enough energy to enter the room where the Philosopher’s Left Nut was stored. A rude shock awaited him, for there was Professor Quirrunathan!!!
The Final Battle
‘You?!’ gasped a shocked Velu.
‘Yes, me! I’m the one after the Philosopher’s Left Nut, not Snaapalingam! He suspects me, but doesn’t have any hard evidence to accuse me with! Not yet anyway, because I’m gonna wring your fat little neck! By the time anyone finds you, I’ll be far far away in an orgy somewhere! BUWAAAHAHAHAHAAA!’ yelled Quirrunathan, rubbing his hands in glee.
He bounded after Velu, who ran round and round the room in a circle. This created a vortex of energy that caused the Philosopher’s Left Nut to fall from the ceiling where it was hanging.
‘IT’S MINE!’ screamed Quirrunathan as both he and our little hero lunged at it and started fighting over the legendary lingam that fell from the sky.
‘What in f*ck’s name is going on here?’ a voice bellowed. It was Dumbledoram, just returned from Colombo! Bala and Selvan quivered behind his cloak. They had run off and called the Professor to save Velu’s life!
‘You’re too late, Albushanthan!’ shouted Quirrunathan as he took a vice-like grip on Velu’s generously proportioned neck.
‘Oh yeah? WELL F*CK THIS!’ replied Dumbedoram as he produced a shiny AK-47 from his manifold robes and peppered his adversary with lead.
‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ gasped Quirrunathan as he released Velu and collapsed onto the ground, his body twitching spasmodically.
From the shadows, a mysterious voice was heard saying ‘Mama methanin pannoth hondai’. A Sinhaloid! And he was running away!
‘Let him go’, Dumbledoram said to Velu. ‘That is He Who Cannot Be Named. He is, of course, straight but if you eat it even the straightest of heterosexual men, like him, will find you irresistible. That’s why he’s running away because those homophobic Sinhaloids can’t stand the thought of man-on-man sodomy. It’s a good thing he didn’t get it, otherwise the Sinhaloids would waste its fantastic benefits on their women. Yuck! The Philosopher’s Left Nut can cause much trouble so I’m afraid I’ll have to destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands.’
He duly shot the Nut to pieces with his gun, much to the anguish of Velu and his friends.
End of year orgy
Shri Ellalan Vidyalayam had a tradition of hosting an orgy among its pupils at the end of each academic year. Thanks to the glorious exploits of our young Thalaivar and his friends, Gryffindoram house was awarded the House Championship minutes before the assembly degenerated into its famous debauchery.
The win caused Velu and his fellow Gryffindorams to celebrate with extra gusto. What a story he’ll have to tell his family back home! It was a fantastic end to a great first year at Shri Ellalan, but more adventures would await our three friends in the coming years!