[TamilNet, Frday, 22 January 2010, 18:00 GMT]  

With the Presidential election just a few days away, TamilNet sat down with the man who played a large part in making We Thamizh stateless, presidential candidate General (retd.) Sarath Fonseka for an exclusive interview . The interview took place a few days ago at the famous Hotel Sapphire, Wellawatte.

TamilNet (TN): Thank you for coming, General.

Sarath Fonseka (SF): It’s my pleasure. I love you. I love all Tamils! I always have!

TN: So General, it looked like you had it all a few months ago: you were basking in glory and enjoying the love of the public. What made you retire from the army and give up all these in favor of Ponil’s dandy Gay Alliance?

SF: Well I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking. In fact, I’ve made my homophobia very clear during my military career, as you Thamizh know very well. The problem is that I wasn’t happy being Chief of Defense Staff. The powers that totally paranoid Mahinda gave me weren’t enough. I wanted more, a lot more. I wanted it all.

TN: But a year ago, you said that you had no intention of joining politics and that you wanted to enjoy retirement with your family.

SF: I never said that! Did I say that? No, I never said that. I was just misquoted™ by the press.

TN: Just like you were misquoted™ when you said that Sri Lanka is a Sinhala island and that minorities should not make any undue demands?

SF: Yes, yes, exactly. It was all a huge misquote™.

TN: I see, General. What do you have to say about those rumours stating you were planning a coup while you were army commander?

SF: That is absolute nonsense! I don’t know what gave them the idea that I was planning any sort of coup.

TN: So you deny it?

SF: Absolutely! I only ensured the loyalty of disgraced officers by pardoning them and appointing them to high ranking positions. I also made sure that the new heads of prisons, petroleum board, Rupavahini and Colombo Security are all good friends of mine. All those positions are thoroughly non-vital in the event of a coup. I did this to guarantee stability in the island. It was totally not part of my long-term plan to launch a coup and seize power.

TN: General, what kind of deal did you make with the 100% patriotic TNA?

SF: Oh I just told them that I’ll re-merge the north and east provinces, release the LTTE cadres in custody and make Mano Ganesan the governor of the re-merged NE province. I will totally keep my word and I’m not just feeding them punakku to win them over.

TN: Hari simple plan ekak nea sir!!!

SF: Aniwaarayen. You speak Sinhala quite well, better than most people I know. In fact.  You should learn more Sinhala from me. Here, let me teach you some nice swear words from down south: kalavedda, paharaya, katu levakana balla, huth…

TN: Er…thank you, General…but moving on. Your personal record in the army makes mention of a few instances of misconduct: allegations of conduct unbecoming, verbal abuse against junior officers. What are your comments on those?

SF: I did what I had to do. As for the ‘verbal abuse’, as you put it, what kind of commander is soft on his troops? If I had been an angel, your Sun Goat would never have achieved Eelam in the sky!

TN: Naturally, General. Speaking of our Sun goat achieving Eelam, you have been claiming full credit for the war victory. Surely the President, Defence Secretary, navy, air force, police STF, Civil Defence Force and your Sinhaloid diplomats all played their part?

SF: Nonsense! I take 110% of the credit. After I recovered from that Black Tiger attack I made a vow to not stop this war until I drank Prabhakaran’s blood. And I did drink his blood! I positively bathed in it! If I say something, I do it! We would not have won the war if it wasn’t for me. I commanded the army and all the other branches of our military. I commanded our naval craft, I piloted our jets and helicopters (sometimes I would fly two or three aircraft by myself simultaneously), I defended Sri Lanka at the United Nations! It was all me, me, me! As army commander I was top dog!

TN: But the constitution states that the President is the Commander-in-chief of ALL the armed forces. If we would take a look at history, you will see that King Dutugemunu got full credit for deafeting Eelara and building the Ruwanveli Seya. Do you see what I mean?

SF: You need to brush up on your history, my lad; full credit for building the Ruwanveli Seya went to King Dutugemunu’s mason baas. And the war against Elara was won by his ten generals. Similarly, full credit for the victory goes to me and me alone! You understand? I did it all! I am perfect! I am such a perfectionist that I VERBALLY GENOCIDE™ my cook if his omelet is slightly cracked I swear at my subordinates in style if they make the slightest mistake! I shoot 100% patriotic journalists just for fun! That bugger Lasantha totally did not see that one coming! BWAHAHAHAAA! Huff…huff…puff…

TN: Ye…yes, General. As you say, General. Now let’s discuss your economic strategy for Sri Lanka. What are your plans?

SF: Well I think I’ll leave the economy to my partners in the JVP and UNP.

TN: But the JVP is socialist while the UNP is fundamentally capitalist. How can they ever agree on a common economic agenda?

SF: You wait and see™, they will come up with a winning formula for sure!

TN: Speaking of the UNP and JVP, will you go through on your promise to abolish the executive presidency and make Ponil the caretaker Prime Minister with full executive powers?

SF: Yes, yes, of course. Most certainly.

TN: I beg your pardon, General, but reports about you saying you will not abolish it have surfaced.

SF: Those are just more outrageous misquotes™. I will totally abolish the executive presidency and willingly relinquish power when I win because I am totally not a power-hungry man, as I have proven all along.

   
TN: Very well. It has been noticed that Ponil and MAN-gala haven’t been that vocal in supporting you lately? Why is that? Are there any tensions in your camp?

SF: Oh no. They are just very busy coming up with our economic plan. It is totally not because they have grown suspicious of me.

TN: If you say so, General. Um…do YOU have any plans for the country?

SF: Naturally. All my opponents will be flung into jail. I have a hit list of about 300 big-time trouble-makers who I will take care of personally. I will ensure media freedom (just ask Lasantha about it). I will also eliminate all corruption in the country so that only my son-in-law Danuna can make the family commissions. That is the true essence of my democracy. Gorgeous, no?

TN: But isn’t that also corruption?

SF: Certainly not. I am Mr. Clean. I am NEVER corrupt.

TN: But, General…

SF (ominously): Are you trying to misquote™ me?

TN (nervously): No, no, of course not! Whatever you say, General!

With that, the interview was hurriedly brought to a close. Remember Vote for a “Vishwasaneya Wenesak”

Related Posts

1. One Man Show Chakravarthi General Sarath Fonseka, ELECTION GENOCIDED™ by the Sinhala Nation
2. TAMILNET EXCLUSIVE: 100% Non-Terrorist Performer MIA Releases Her New Single
3. TamilNet: Interview with P.Nadeasan, the New Peace Dove of the LTTE
4. Sarath Fonseka Writes Top Secret Letter to Channel 4
5. Sarath Fonseka Launches McHunger Strike™