[TamilNet, Sunday, 07 February 2010, 04:30 GMT] 

TamilNet is proud to introduce a complementary set for Tamil Eelam toilet cleaning brushes, to be used by the highly intelligent donkey disaspora.

Toilet Cleaner’s Uniform

This will also be available for a separate charge. They are available in two colours medium black and dark black to suit the individual Tamil Eelam toilet cleaner’s complexion.

A full set of brushes is offered at a concession rate of 10% discount in a specially crafted genuine leather case made of Tamil Tiger skins.

Raj Rajaratnum has already placed an order for Prabakaran Leaner brush and the Prabakaran master female brush for his wife. He is expected to be saving to buy a Tamils for Obama brush in installments.

Having reviewed the orders placed so far, it is expected that major branch factories in Melbourne, Sydney, Oslo, London, Boston and Toronto could be established in the near future. Given the global demand a World Bank ‘soft’ loan is being negotiated

The following items are under development by the R&D department

(The designs are in collaboration with Versace the Italian fashion designer and are all made from genuine Tamil Tiger skin).

• Toilet cleaner’s caps
• Tamil Cleaner’s uniform- both female and male
• Toilet cleaner tee shirts
• Toilet cleaner medals
• Toilet cleaner ties
• Toilet cleaner’s belts
• Toilet cleaner perfume- will have a toilet cleaner’s aroma, so that they could spray on after a shower, so that they could have a permanent smell of a toilet cleaner. This will appeal to all expatriate Tamils who are not toilet cleaners but still wish to smell like one (could be very few in number).
• Toilet cleaner’s after shave

A Toilet Cleaner’s Polish Called Prabakaran Toilet Polish 

This is being developed using Thala Thell for use on toilet floors. This is an environmentally friendly polish with no chemicals being used. It is currently undergoing tests at Underwriter’s Laboratories, USA, for independent certification. It has a multiple use capability for use on the hair of Tamil EElam Toilet Cleaners and as a cooking oil.

Toilet Cleaners New Year ball (dinner dance) Dec 31st night

In inaugurating the manufacturing facilities the Tamil Toilet Cleaners ball (dinner dance) is being planned by Tamil’s for Obama, in celebration of the long awaited event.

• Music will be provided by the Tamil Nadu Sakkilly Orchestra, conducted by a well known Tamil Nadu conductor. (see footnote below)
• With vocals by Mia who will sing the toilet cleaner’s anthem.
• Celine Dion is also being invited to sing in Tamil, who is claimed by the Tamils to have her origins in Jaffna. She will also sing a duet with MIA in Tamil.
• The venue is still to be decided- could even be at the White House, Main Ballroom- given the services currently rendered by the Tamil’s for Obama cleaning their toilets. The President’s Ball will be cancelled this year.

Prizes will be awarded as follows:

First prize- 3 consecutive days to clean the white house toilets or 3 hour continuous stay inside the toilets
Second prize- 2 consecutive days to clean the white house toilets
Third prize- 1 day to clean the toilets

10 consolation prizes will be given of Parabakaran Master Brush

A toilet cleaning competition will be held- the details will be known at the ball.

A tour of all Washington’s public toilets is being planned as a full day event for all Tamils who wish to attend. A number of bus loads are expected for this event. 

Footnote:Should the Tamil EElam be established in either Norway or London, the Tamil EElam Sakkili Band’s  vocalists will be participating in the EuroVision song contest

Shitmohan Shitkaran
(Volunteer Special correspondent Toilet cleaning services)

[TamilNet, Wednesday, 03 February 2010, 01:00 GMT] 

Sarath Fonseka Achieves Eelam

The final results of the presidential elections gave a stunning verdict: the voters have unanimously chosen General (Rtd.) Sarath Fonseka as the new President and Prime Minister© of Tamil Eelam. The popular decree can be seen in a district-by-dictrict map of the results. The people of Puttalam have seceded from Eelam while Nuwara-Eliya has been added. The loss of Puttalam is no big deal because the Tamils there are more or less Sinhalized and are entirely useless to We Thamizh kazhuthais anyway.

It must be mentioned that Sarath Fonseka achieved Eelam literally overnight while it took our Thalaivar 37 years to ALMOST achieve Eelam. Therefore it is obvious that Sarath Fonseka is the superior Sun Goat. All hail the new Sun Goat Sarath Fonseka! HAIL!

Sarath Fonseka Issues Celebratory Smackdown to Mangala

Shortly after the election results were announced, Sarath Fonseka and his friends in the Gay Alliance booked 73 rooms at the fabulous Cinnamon Lakeside hotel to celebrate his election as the new Sun Goat of Tamil Eelam. The party itself took place in just 3 rooms while the other 70 rooms were to accommodate the General’s totally non-inflated ego. The spoilsport Sinhaloid government deployed troops from the Gajaba Regiment and SF-1 around the perimeter of the hotel to make sure the celebrations did not break any anti-gay laws in Sri Lanka.

It is reported that an argument then developed between General Fonseka and MAngala over who should take the blame for the wonderful election result. It culminated with the General issuing a right royal smackdown to poor MANgala, who was punched, kicked and finally spat on in a most dignified manner. Seeing this, Ponil and the rest of his merry bottoms stealthily tip-toed out of the hotel, leaving El General to celebrate by himself and his totally legal non-deserter bodyguards.

USA Won’t Judge Sri Lanka Until Vote Rigging Allegations Are Resolved

Our American white masters congratulated the Sinhaloids for the high turnout but refused to ‘judge’ the election until the 100% non-bogus allegations of vote rigging have been investigated. We at TamilNet offer our heartfelt thanks to the USA for giving their opinion, even though no one asked them for it as usual.

The USA is in a totally good position to judge Sri Lanka’s democracy. Sri Lanka is the oldest multi-party democracy in the world; the USA has only two parties. Sri Lanka had the world’s first woman prime minister and also had a woman president who served for two terms; the USA er…well, they still have some way to go in that regard but they are still the WORLD’S GREATEST DEMOCRACY® because they are our totally non-arrogant white masters who are NEVER wrong!

The USA has also barely won a single war since the end of World War 2 and are now totally defeating Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Indeed, their war against Osama is so successful that they are now going to BRIBE his fighters to stop massacring their soldiers. So they really can judge the Sinhaloids in all departments, as our readers can see. We are sure that Uncle Sam would love to hear how the Sinhaloids have judged him.

[TamilNet, Wednesday, 27 January 2010, 03:030 GMT]  

TamilNet is saddened to report that after a nerve wrecking wait of expectation, voting in Sri Lanka has ended in a most  unexpectedly calm and atrocious™ fashion, unlike how it was gleefully expected by the Western Media (the friends of Eelam).

It is clear now that our One Man Show Chakravarthi General Sarath Fonseka has been viciously ELECTION GENOCIDED™ at the Sinhala Only Presidency in a most ruthless democratic manner by the Sinhaloid masses (even in his own hometown of Ambalangoda), even though the Tamil votes (those very special kinds of votes) were deemed TOTALLY vital and decisive.

One reason as to such a GENOCIDAL™ result is that the Sinhala Only vote not being split 50/50 paving way for a "photo finish" as predicted by friends of Eelam and lovers of Sun Goat Iqbal Athas (the Sole defence analysist™ of GENOCIDAL™ Sri Lanka) to the extremely Eelam friendly BBC (Big Biased C*nts). The other reason is the -200% voter turnout in Tamil Only Eelam areas due to the 4 mini-nuclear bombs that were undoubtedly detonated by the homophobic supporters of Mahinda Rajapakse, though no one in the opposition conveniently bothered to die.

Another one of the leading causes which led to this result is the GENOCIDAL™ Sinhala Only™ Elections Department denying U.S. Citizen Tamil-loving General Sarath Fonseka his vote. This is the first time in the world that a presidential candidate has been ineligible to vote, so it truly is a refreshing change as promised by the Tamil loving General’s totally original slogan ‘Wishwasaniya wenasak’ (Un-freaking- believable change we can believe in). However, our sources indicate that this in no way affects his eligibility to vote…in Okla-Homa, that is. His inability to be bothered to be a registered as a voter speaks volumes about the kind of NEW Democracy the totally Non-American puppet Gen. Fonseka were trying to usher in to GENOCIDAL™ Lanka.

Tamil circles© are of the view perhaps Our glorious Sun Goat Rt Rev. Piripaharan got it wrong when he said "Sinhalese only remember things for rendu (two weeks)." However, Tamil squares disagree citing the Golden Rule of Tamil Only Eelam, that is " Sun Goat is never wrong." Tamil Triangles however are torn in between (no, not between the buttocks), while Tamil Pentagons are clueless in light of the evidence.

With this Democratic GENOCIDE™, hopes of keeping Tamil Only Eelam undivided (or, as the homophobic Sinhaloids put it, re-merging of the Northern and Eastern provinces), removal of Sinhala Only™ Army camps, freeing Tamil Only® Freedom Fighters© and achieving overall Tamil Only® Eelam has been slightly delayed. But just slightly.

Meanwhile 100% Non-American puppet General Fonseka’s loyalists have made a formal request to the GENOCIDAL™ Education Ministry to make changes to the Mahavamsa. They have suggested that the name of the creator of the Sinhaloid GENOCIDAL™ monument Ruwanveli Seya to be changed from the homophobic GENOCIDAL™ King Dutugamunu to the said King’s mason bass. When questioned about the patriotism of the Non-American puppet (Tamil-loving General Fonseka), they cite the glorious accidental© suicide bombing carried out by our freedom Fighters™ on Gen.Fonseka.

According to this line of brilliant non-idiotic logic it is understood that Mrs. Chandrika Kumarathunga who lost an eye in another one of our absolutely accidental© suicide bombings is more patriotic than the good General (who only suffered a few injuries). Taking this logic further,  both Ranasinghe Premadasa and Rajiv Gandhi are even more patriotic as they DIED for Sri Lanka thanks our accidental© suicide bombings.

The fantastic disappearing act® by Pradeep Eknaligoda of Lankaenews.com hasn’t swayed the homophobic Sinhaloid vote in favour of unification of Tamil Only Eelam. Eelam loving democratic heroes Siva-gee-Lingum (Shiva’s dirty Cock) and Homobahu KaraunaRATne were also ELECTION GENOCIDED™. Furthermore, our friendly neighbourhood Maveerar, Homobahu KarunaRATne has been denied casting his extremely special vote because of his refusal to carry a GENOCIDAL™ Sinhaloid identity card. But later he has managed to cast his vote in favour of Tamil Only Eelam after being granted “SPECIAL" permission by the Elections Commissioner.

Amidst this hopelessness there is still a little "Change We Can Believe In" (Vishwasaneeya Wenasa) left. It has come to our attention that General One Man Show Chakravarthi is willing to falsely testify against his former Commander-in-Chief and Defence Secretary. However, in exchange he is requesting to be granted full political asylum, legal amnesty, a few female LTTE freedom fighters™ for his personal use, and 50% commission from all Tamil Only Eelam funds to his son-in-law Danuna ThilakeRATne.

It is apparent now Vishava Keerthi Sri Thri Sinhaladishwara, Sakala Sinhalaye Chakravarthi, Sri Rohana Janaranjana Mahinda Rajapaksa the GENOCIDAL™ Sinhala Only Overlord REIIGNS SUPREME in this brutally peaceful election with a ginormous percentage of the Sinhala Only™ vote. An alarming development of this election is that Sinhala Overlord Mahinda Rajapakse has now become the supreme all powerful Sinhala Juggernaut, capable of withstanding any challenge. This is not a good scene for Eelam at all! We Thamizh must thank Ponil and MANgala for making this all happen.
 
A report by Prof. Meapaiyah Pakatakaram Ponnaraja

[TamilNet, Frday, 22 January 2010, 18:00 GMT]  

With the Presidential election just a few days away, TamilNet sat down with the man who played a large part in making We Thamizh stateless, presidential candidate General (retd.) Sarath Fonseka for an exclusive interview . The interview took place a few days ago at the famous Hotel Sapphire, Wellawatte.

TamilNet (TN): Thank you for coming, General.

Sarath Fonseka (SF): It’s my pleasure. I love you. I love all Tamils! I always have!

TN: So General, it looked like you had it all a few months ago: you were basking in glory and enjoying the love of the public. What made you retire from the army and give up all these in favor of Ponil’s dandy Gay Alliance?

SF: Well I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking. In fact, I’ve made my homophobia very clear during my military career, as you Thamizh know very well. The problem is that I wasn’t happy being Chief of Defense Staff. The powers that totally paranoid Mahinda gave me weren’t enough. I wanted more, a lot more. I wanted it all.

TN: But a year ago, you said that you had no intention of joining politics and that you wanted to enjoy retirement with your family.

SF: I never said that! Did I say that? No, I never said that. I was just misquoted™ by the press.

TN: Just like you were misquoted™ when you said that Sri Lanka is a Sinhala island and that minorities should not make any undue demands?

SF: Yes, yes, exactly. It was all a huge misquote™.

TN: I see, General. What do you have to say about those rumours stating you were planning a coup while you were army commander?

SF: That is absolute nonsense! I don’t know what gave them the idea that I was planning any sort of coup.

TN: So you deny it?

SF: Absolutely! I only ensured the loyalty of disgraced officers by pardoning them and appointing them to high ranking positions. I also made sure that the new heads of prisons, petroleum board, Rupavahini and Colombo Security are all good friends of mine. All those positions are thoroughly non-vital in the event of a coup. I did this to guarantee stability in the island. It was totally not part of my long-term plan to launch a coup and seize power.

TN: General, what kind of deal did you make with the 100% patriotic TNA?

SF: Oh I just told them that I’ll re-merge the north and east provinces, release the LTTE cadres in custody and make Mano Ganesan the governor of the re-merged NE province. I will totally keep my word and I’m not just feeding them punakku to win them over.

TN: Hari simple plan ekak nea sir!!!

SF: Aniwaarayen. You speak Sinhala quite well, better than most people I know. In fact.  You should learn more Sinhala from me. Here, let me teach you some nice swear words from down south: kalavedda, paharaya, katu levakana balla, huth…

TN: Er…thank you, General…but moving on. Your personal record in the army makes mention of a few instances of misconduct: allegations of conduct unbecoming, verbal abuse against junior officers. What are your comments on those?

SF: I did what I had to do. As for the ‘verbal abuse’, as you put it, what kind of commander is soft on his troops? If I had been an angel, your Sun Goat would never have achieved Eelam in the sky!

TN: Naturally, General. Speaking of our Sun goat achieving Eelam, you have been claiming full credit for the war victory. Surely the President, Defence Secretary, navy, air force, police STF, Civil Defence Force and your Sinhaloid diplomats all played their part?

SF: Nonsense! I take 110% of the credit. After I recovered from that Black Tiger attack I made a vow to not stop this war until I drank Prabhakaran’s blood. And I did drink his blood! I positively bathed in it! If I say something, I do it! We would not have won the war if it wasn’t for me. I commanded the army and all the other branches of our military. I commanded our naval craft, I piloted our jets and helicopters (sometimes I would fly two or three aircraft by myself simultaneously), I defended Sri Lanka at the United Nations! It was all me, me, me! As army commander I was top dog!

TN: But the constitution states that the President is the Commander-in-chief of ALL the armed forces. If we would take a look at history, you will see that King Dutugemunu got full credit for deafeting Eelara and building the Ruwanveli Seya. Do you see what I mean?

SF: You need to brush up on your history, my lad; full credit for building the Ruwanveli Seya went to King Dutugemunu’s mason baas. And the war against Elara was won by his ten generals. Similarly, full credit for the victory goes to me and me alone! You understand? I did it all! I am perfect! I am such a perfectionist that I VERBALLY GENOCIDE™ my cook if his omelet is slightly cracked I swear at my subordinates in style if they make the slightest mistake! I shoot 100% patriotic journalists just for fun! That bugger Lasantha totally did not see that one coming! BWAHAHAHAAA! Huff…huff…puff…

TN: Ye…yes, General. As you say, General. Now let’s discuss your economic strategy for Sri Lanka. What are your plans?

SF: Well I think I’ll leave the economy to my partners in the JVP and UNP.

TN: But the JVP is socialist while the UNP is fundamentally capitalist. How can they ever agree on a common economic agenda?

SF: You wait and see™, they will come up with a winning formula for sure!

TN: Speaking of the UNP and JVP, will you go through on your promise to abolish the executive presidency and make Ponil the caretaker Prime Minister with full executive powers?

SF: Yes, yes, of course. Most certainly.

TN: I beg your pardon, General, but reports about you saying you will not abolish it have surfaced.

SF: Those are just more outrageous misquotes™. I will totally abolish the executive presidency and willingly relinquish power when I win because I am totally not a power-hungry man, as I have proven all along.

   
TN: Very well. It has been noticed that Ponil and MAN-gala haven’t been that vocal in supporting you lately? Why is that? Are there any tensions in your camp?

SF: Oh no. They are just very busy coming up with our economic plan. It is totally not because they have grown suspicious of me.

TN: If you say so, General. Um…do YOU have any plans for the country?

SF: Naturally. All my opponents will be flung into jail. I have a hit list of about 300 big-time trouble-makers who I will take care of personally. I will ensure media freedom (just ask Lasantha about it). I will also eliminate all corruption in the country so that only my son-in-law Danuna can make the family commissions. That is the true essence of my democracy. Gorgeous, no?

TN: But isn’t that also corruption?

SF: Certainly not. I am Mr. Clean. I am NEVER corrupt.

TN: But, General…

SF (ominously): Are you trying to misquote™ me?

TN (nervously): No, no, of course not! Whatever you say, General!

With that, the interview was hurriedly brought to a close. Remember Vote for a “Vishwasaneya Wenesak”